Beyond Insane
by settler
Summary: “I’m going crazy without her,” Lee tells Helo, but Helo just nods in sympathy and says nothing, and Lee isn’t brave enough to press the point.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **Beyond Insane

**Rating:** PG-13

**Warnings: **This part of the fic is brought to you in its natural state, completely untouched by betas.

**Spoilers**: Up to the season three finale.

**Beyond Insane 1/4**

Three weeks after he sees her viper explode, Lee wakes up to the sound of Kara's voice, rich and amused and somewhat insulting as she tells him to get his lazy ass out of bed. For one fuzzy moment, he thinks that perhaps it's his conscience speaking, and the irony of that idea makes him huff in a weak attempt at laughter.

He ends up inhaling his bedclothes instead, which is not a pleasant experience, damn it, but at least it wakes him up enough so that he can will his tear-puffed eyes open. He blinks a few times and Kara comes into focus. She's tapping her foot impatiently, hands on her hips, about two feet away from his face. He stares at her, waging a serious internal debate for all of about two seconds before he decides that he doesn't care if she's a hallucination or not.

He tackles her to the bed and she grins up at him, hair fanned out across his pillow, and he wants to close his eyes in bliss, but he's desperately afraid that if he so much as blinks, he'll never see her again. He settles for curling up against her, holding her tight. She's warm and solid in his arms, and she makes a soft hum of pleasure as he nuzzles the back of her neck with his nose. Looks like Kara, feels like Kara, smells like Kara, sounds like Kara. He mouths her shoulder softly, and the tang of her skin is exactly as he remembers it. Tastes like Kara too. All five senses satisfied, he drifts off to sleep once again, and for the first time since she left, he doesn't have nightmares.

When he wakes up a few hours later, she's gone.

He almost hyperventilates when he realizes that she's not in his arms anymore, and a frantic run through his quarters reveals nothing. He dresses quickly and searches the ship as best he can, looking for any sign of her. Everyone eyes him strangely, and most look like they're busy wishing violence upon him, what with the Baltar trial and all, and all the pilots are still walking around in a haze, trying to absorb the double loss of their CAG and their top gun.

They haven't seen her. He doesn't even have to ask, which is good, because the last thing he wants is to be checked into sickbay. They'd ask all sorts of uncomfortable questions, not to mention that he hates the antiseptic smell of the place. He'd much rather go back to his quarters, bury under the covers, and never come out again.

He makes a valiant attempt at it, burrowing into his bedclothes and trying to think of nothing. He almost succeeds. The room is dark, bland now that Dee has taken all her personal effects away. It is the perfect place to forget.

He keeps waiting, though, for a knock on his door. A reprimand, or an ill-advised pep talk, or a sympathetic visitor, but no one comes for him.

He's not an officer any more, and he's broken the ties to most people who would care about him as just a man. It takes him two days to get hungry enough that he has to make an appearance in the mess hall. The food tastes like sawdust, even more so than usual, and no one sits next to him.

When he goes back to his room, Kara is waiting for him. "Lee," she says, "It's going to be okay." There's a calm and steady joy in her tone that he's never heard from her before. It makes him ache, both because he would have wanted that tone, that assurance, for Kara while she was alive, and because he now knows for certain that it can't really be her. She would never lie to him like that. Not if she were in her right mind.

That reminds him of her final flight, how he made her go up in the air, even though she'd said she wasn't ready, and he snaps. Shoves her against the wall, and his voice, when it finally comes to him, is hoarse from disuse, but has lost none of its volume. "Don't! Don't do this to me! I can't… gods, you're not even real!"

She ignores his angst, and the arm against her throat, instead peering around the room with a slight frown. "Where's Dee?"

He's so thrown by her lack of response to his yelling that he answers right away. "She left me." Just what he needs. Another reminder of exactly how screwed up he is.

"Why? I'm finally gone. She got exactly what she wanted."

Starbuck sounds more curious than concerned, and that grates on Lee's already raw nerves. "Not everything is about you, you know," he chokes out. She just stares at him with a level gaze, and he drops his eyes. She doesn't have to say anything. He understands her message well enough. When it comes to him, everything has always been about her. After all, if that weren't so, why would he be standing here, hung up on a dead woman?

"I defended Baltar, made them give him a trial. He's a bastard, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't give him the same rights we would give anyone else." He's heating up for a long debate… after all, it's no secret what Kara thought, or thinks, or whatever, about cylon collaborators, but she cuts him off mid-tirade.

"She left you for that?!?" She looks truly disturbed now; for the first time since she's been back, she seems less than calm. It passes quickly though. "Bitch," comes the verdict. "She's supposed to take care of you."

"You were supposed to take care of me!" As soon as he says the words, he flinches. There's something about Kara, even this version, that strips him of his defenses (and a few of his higher brain functions) and leaves him saying exactly what he feels, no matter how childish or how wrong.

"I never promised you that," comes the soft reply.

"I know," he says, looking down at his feet, "But you always did anyway."

It's true. Kara Thrace has always had his back, and they both know it.

She slides a finder under his chin and forces him to look at her, waits patiently until he can keep his gaze from skittering away. Her eyes hold real affection, and a softness he's only seen from her a few other times in his life. "I still have your back," she says. "You'll see."

He's going crazy, he thinks, as she kisses his forehead. Absolutely insane. Then she moves around behind him and starts massaging his shoulders, and he thinks that crazy might not be so bad.

------------------------------------------------

"I'll be back soon," she says, after his shoulders have loosened and he's resting against her, boneless. All the tension he's lost comes back, and he pleads with her not to go, even though he knows it's useless. She kisses the base of his neck softly, an apology of sorts, and he stutters into silence.

He wants to force her to stay, hold her here and not let her go. He fights down the urge though. After all, it's nothing new. She's always been uncageable, and although it's one of the things he admires most about her, it also drives him completely insane.

With that though, he snaps around and watches her leave, curious as to what he'll see. But she opens the hatch just like anyone else would. She winks at him before she goes, and leaves the hatch ajar.

He keeps it that way, hoping that maybe it will entice her to come back, but all he gets for his trouble is a dirty look from a deckhand that happens to be passing by a few hours later.

------------------------------------------------------

When she doesn't show up the next morning, he starts to get restless, but he refuses to give in to despair. She said she'd be back, and Kara Thrace, figment or no, doesn't promise things she can't deliver. He believes that. He's got to. Otherwise, there's nothing left here for him.

He goes days without seeing her, and each day gets a little harder, so he decides that as long as he's waiting, he may as well wait in the gym. Working out makes the time go by faster, and besides, last time she left him, he ended up an oversized blob. Crazy or not, he's not about to let that happen again.

The next time she appears, he's in the shower, washing off the sweat of his latest run. He screams like a little girl and she gives him a wolfish grin. He scrambles for a towel, then realizes how silly he's being. They've been both lovers and pilots-- nudity is nothing new between them. And even if it were, what's the point in getting worked up about a figment of his imagination?

"Mmmmm…" she says, clearly enjoying the view, "Dee has no idea what she's missing."

He resists the urge to point out that Dee has every idea what she's missing. That is not a conversation he wants to have. Certainly not with Kara.

"It's Helo's birthday tonight," Kara says, and Lee is once again caught flat-footed by the abrupt change of topic. "You should go. He'd like to see you, and Dee will be there."

Lee doubts that anyone wants to see him, and he certainly doesn't want to see Dee. He tells her so in no uncertain terms.

Two hours later, he's clean-shaven, dressed and being dragged to the mess hall by a very insistent Kara. People look at him a bit strangely as he lurches down the corridor, and he hisses at her to slow down. She just grins at him and kisses his cheek before shoving him into the party.

Dee is indeed there. She looks lovely in a dress that he can't recall her ever having owned.

Kara catches him staring, and the urge to apologize is strong. Something about how he would be glad to stare at Kara instead if only she would wear dresses like that. Then he remembers that people are here, who already think he's unhinged, and besides, the idea of apologizing to a dead woman for looking at his wife is so twisted that it temporarily strikes him mute.

Kara doesn't seem angry though. She just smiles at him, mischievous, but a little wistful too. "That's my dress" she tells him, and he chokes, hard enough that she has to slam him on the back a few times.

"What?!?"

"Was my dress," she amends, a faraway look in her eye, "I won it in a triad game back when we were cadets. Liked the colors."

And that would be just like Kara, actually, though few people would know that. The woman has a finely attuned sense of artistry. Or, as she'd put it once, she cleaned up good sometimes. So that explained how she got the dress, but it didn't explain how Dee had come to wear it. Unless…

"Frak," he mutters, and has to sit down.

She sits by his side, and he leans into her a bit, thankful that she still feels just as warm and solid as she did in life.

"They auctioned off your stuff."

"Happens all the time. You know that. It's how you got half your gym gear, and most of your chocolate stash."

"They didn't tell me."

"Even viper jocks aren't that stupid Lee. It may have escaped your notice, but you haven't exactly been taking this whole thing well."

He's about to reply when he catches Racetrack looking at him strangely. No, he's not taking this whole thing well, gods damn it. He needs to leave now, before he does something stupid in front of all these people. He puts his head down and concentrates on breathing, and Kara rubs soothing circles on his back for a minute.

As soon as she's calmed him down though, Kara promptly undoes all her work by getting up and making a beeline for Dee. It's clear that Dee can't see Kara, but she certainly reacts when Kara tips the wiskey glass Dee's been holding, making it spill all down the front of her dress. And her eyes widen almost comically when Kara whispers something in her ear.

Kara saunters away quite satisfied, and Lee is about to follow and ask what the hell she said, and where the hell she thinks she's going, when Helo catches his arm and pulls him into a conversation.

At first he pays no attention, searching for a glimpse of Kara over Helo's shoulder, but Helo is patient, and insistent, and Kara had said to talk to him.

Turns out that having a cylon for a wife, not to mention having a woman that you would do anything for, leaves Helo a bit more understanding of his predicament than Lee would have anticipated. They've never been all that close; he knows Helo mostly as one of Kara's best friends, and as his father's XO, but Helo doesn't pry, and is easy to talk to, and seems to be looking for someone to mourn with him.

Every day that Kara doesn't come, Lee spends an hour or so just being with Helo, and eventually they get around to talking about her. It's obvious as they talk that her death has left a deep mark on the other man, and for the first time since she left Lee finds himself wanting to confide in someone.

"I'm going crazy without her," Lee tells Helo, but Helo just nods in sympathy and says nothing, and Lee isn't brave enough to press the point.

That night Kara comes to him again. "You're not insane, you know," she informs him. She's wearing standard-issue sleep attire. Tanks and shorts that he's seen on her thousands of times before. He can't stop staring.

He gives her a slow once-over, so it takes him awhile to make it up to her face and realize that she's giving him a _look_. "Well, not any more insane than usual," she amends.

"I missed you," he says, which is silly, and he thinks about taking it back and saying "I miss you" instead, but he knows that with Kara there are no takebacks, and besides, he has missed her, this her, with her calm, knowing eyes and her sense of tranquility and her easy smile.

He thinks that this is what she could have been if life had been kinder to her.

She's always been beautiful, but she's whole now in a way that she never was before. Staring at him as if she knows exactly what he's thinking, and he watches, rapt, as a small grin forms on her face. Insane or not, he needs this.

"I missed you too," she says. "That's why I'm here."

"Stay?" he asks, and his voice might break a little, but she nods.

"At least for a week. There should be time."

He doesn't ask what she means by that, because, in the face of her being here, it doesn't matter. He doesn't want to waste time with abstracts, not when she's right in front of him and his time could be better spent.

He kisses her, and that feels exactly the same as the old Kara. None of the fire has left her, and her hair still slides through his fingers exactly as he remembers it. She's perhaps not quite as desperate as she had been the other times they've kissed, but he doesn't miss it, not really. He is, for the first time in a long time, perfectly content.

When he wakes the next morning, she's still in his arms, and he thinks it might just be the best day ever.

------------------------------------------

It takes her two whole days to persuade him to leave his quarters.

"You need to fly again," she says, after she has used all considerable persuasive talents (_gods,_ he loves that mouth) to wear him down to the point where he'll agree to go down to the hangar bay.

"Oh, and we need to find a flight suit for me."

"Who needs to fly now?" he teases her, and she sticks her tongue out at him.

He gets rather caught up in the idea of her tongue, so it isn't until he gets down to the hangar bay that he realizes there may be a few technical difficulties involved in this flying endeavor. For one, he doesn't have his wings anymore. Also, Kara, figment though she may be, has proven remarkably solid, and somehow he doubts they're both going to fit in a viper.

"Raptor," she whispers in his ear. "You're going to take a vacation, see the Science Ship for a day or two."

He has a moment when he thinks that perhaps listening to voices, especially voices that tell him to get into tiny little spacecraft, is probably a bad idea.

But then he catches a glimpse of Dee, who looks to be flirting with a deckhand. She sees him looking, and averts her eyes, but keeps glancing up at him guiltily. Kara moves away from him, and tilts her head at the angle that means she's trying to solve a puzzle. He can see them both clearly, and he remembers the last time they where here together. The hanger had been converted into a bar, and he had been patching up his relationship with Dee, or at least trying to. He'd kept getting distracted by the way the low light glinted off Kara's hair.

He can't take his eyes of her now either, and this time, he doesn't even try. She's it for him. Always has been.

That decides it then. Crazy or not, he gets their raptor, and sets it on autopilot, plotting the shortest possible course to the science ship. She doesn't let him keep it that way for long, of course.

"Strap in," she instructs, and he grins. He's going to get the ride of his life, and he knows it. Even in a raptor, the girl can fly.

She settles down after a few barrel rolls, some flip stunts, and an ill-advised game of chicken with one of the agricultural ships. He's trying to keep his breakfast down, but other than that, life is pretty good.

Then she looks at him, almost shy, and he knows they're about to have an actual conversation. Of the type that they usually can't manage without being impelled by a major life crisis and a fair amount of liquid protection.

He supposes her being dead counts as a crisis. And, despite the lack of alcohol, his stomach feels like it usually does when they're about to have one of these kinds of talks, so really, she's done a pretty good job of simulating their usual heart-to-heart conditions.

He catches her looking out at the stars, and knows that she's trying to draw strength from them. Not so different from the old Kara then. Reminding herself that she's in control. That she's not caged.

It's probably easier to convince herself this time than ever before, because today, for the first time, it's true.

Finally, she turns away from the canopy, and faces him. Sits down on the floor of the raptor and pulls him down with her, tucks herself close.

"You kept me going, you know that?" She's looking directly at him while making a personal confession, and he's so damn proud of her that her words almost don't register.

"You never needed anyone to keep you going. If anything you needed someone to slow you down. I never should have…"

"Lee. It wasn't your fault. It was the best thing you ever could have done for me."

"I don't…"

"It's okay."

She's never said that to him before. He refuses to count her last moments.

"I love you," she says.

She's never said that to him before either, not really. Declarations shouted out to an empty world are not the same thing.

He's being given absolution, he realizes. He's not religious enough to have noticed what she was trying to do before, but it hits him now. He didn't even realize how much he needed it until his breathing is suddenly easier.

She's biting her lip though, clearly not finished, and it's not until she says, "I'm sorry" that he realizes he's not the only one who's been shouldering a private guilt.

Sorry for not being a better friend, for not being able to save him from everything she feels she should have saved him from, for his brother, for his relationship with Dee. She needs a clean slate. A final word from him to let her start everything over again. Will you leave, he wants to say, if I set you free, will you go away? Instead he swallows and says, "You have nothing to be sorry for."

Somehow the saying it makes it true. He watches relief wash over her face, and then, instead of leaving, she melts into him, and he holds her close. He barely even notices when the docking clamps engage.

---------------------------------------------

He definitely notices the ship docked next to them though.

"What is _that_?"

"That," Kara informs him with great satisfaction, "Is the reason why we're here. Experimental vessel. Civilian project a few of the brains on the Science Ship have been cooking up. They didn't want military intervention, because they have mixed views on the old man. But they do need a test pilot. And, you're not military anymore."

She's wearing her trademark Starbuck smirk. The one that says she's developed a plan, and lo, it is good… and likely to wreak quite a bit of havoc, just the way she likes it. Used to be that that look made him want to kiss her and slap her in equal measures. He's rather surprised to discover that it still has the same effect.

After she directs his conversation with the scientists, telling him what to do and say to wrangle a test flight, he spares some time to wonder how exactly it is that she knew to come here.

If she is a figment of his imagination, that would mean that his subconscious has a pretty amazing amount of clairvoyance. He supposes it's possible. Oracles and all that. He's never really believed in any of that stuff though. But there has to be some explanation for this ship, here and real and right where Kara said it would be.

He gets to the point where he's pinching himself, hard, trying to determine if everything since her appearance in his quarters has been a dream. She smiles and slaps him on the back of the head. It's Kara, so it's hard enough to hurt.

"Stop second-guessing yourself," she says. "That way madness lies."

He looks at her, intent on explaining just how twisted that statement is, but he gets caught up in her eyes instead. Perhaps, in the back of his head, he's always thought that she could do anything… she's flown a cylon raider, rescued inhabitants from a dying world, found a map to earth, turned a bunch of scared kids into an efficient fighting force, saved his life more times than he's ever been comfortable with. Why not believe that she can do this as well? Especially when the alternative will mean falling apart.

When he gets in the test plane, and she shimmies in behind him and wraps her hands around his on the controls, he knows he's made the right decision. He's always been the slightest bit afraid of flying. He used to think that was healthy… old pilots and bold pilots and all… but with her hands guiding his, he feels absolutely no apprehension at all. He feels safe and utterly secure.

And that's the only thing that keeps him from ejecting when the ship shoots out of the docking bay and immediately goes into an uncontrolled spin.

She gets it under control quickly enough, muttering something about the blackbird and the dubious wisdom of having non-pilots design ships.

They fly out beyond the fleet a short way, enough room to play around in and not fear collision. Then she takes her hands off the controls, and he feels like a little kid again, at that moment when his would father let go of his bike handles and tell him to try for himself.

His father had done that every day for two weeks, and at the end of that time, Lee still hadn't figured out how to ride on his own. His father had been called up after that, and Lee had practiced on his own every day for weeks, until, a few dozen scraped knees later, he had been able to bike.

When his dad came back six months later, Lee had not only mastered his bike completely, but had also taught Zack how to ride. Zack had gotten an approving glance and a slap on the back for his accomplishment. Lee had gotten a raised eyebrow. "See," his father had said, "he's two years younger than you, and already zipping around on his own. He's going to make a fine flyboy someday."

Lee had wanted to hit something, but Zach had looked so pleased, and so Lee'd gone into his room and proceeded to quietly vent his wrath on his favorite collection of model planes.

By the time Lee realizes where his head is at, the bird is out of control again. And Starbuck, for all that he loves her, has a lot in common with his father. Her teaching methods, for one. And her ability to hurt him, for two.

For no reason at all that he can think of, he is angry… really angry, at her for dying.

"You left me," he accuses. "I can't do this without you, and you ran away. Fracking selfish bitch. You knew I needed you, and you left anyway. Just like after Zack died. Just like on New Caprica. Damn it Kara!"

His hands are completely off the controls now, but she reaches out and brings the ship back under control. He watches her hands work, feels the ship gentle under her touch, then feels her rest her forehead against the back of his flight suit.

"I'm sorry," she says. "I really am. And I came back. I didn't leave you for good. Promise." She sounds weary, underneath that calm surface, and it's then that he realizes that they essentially had this conversation yesterday. He had told her that he had forgiven her, and she had believed him, and now he had put all that weight back on her again.

He wonders if they'll ever get over hurting each other. He doesn't think he's said it out loud, but she answers anyway, "I can change you know. Not often, and not without a bit of arse-kicking, but I can."

"I know. I… you have changed. Something's been different about you ever since you've come back. Besides the… uhhh… invisibility and the quasi-omniscience."

He's never been great with words. It's never seemed to bother her though. She's always been able to understand him. Sometimes too well.

"I'm not afraid anymore." It's a simple reply, and one he's heard before, but he hadn't absorbed it, because he had thought she was talking about flying, and that hadn't made sense. Kara Thrace had never feared flying. It was everything else that she had had trouble with. Being close, making mistakes, drawing people down with her.

If _that_ had changed about Kara… well, that would explain a lot.


	2. Chapter 2

_His last thought before he lands is that it really is going to be okay after all.   
_

That thought flees quickly enough when he jumps out of his bird to find her in restraints and surrounded by marines. She still looks calm. He is anything but. He's just been Apollo, destroyer of cylons and god of the skies. He refuses to be powerless here, just because he's on the ground instead of in the air.

The marines aren't going to listen to him… he's technically not an officer anymore. But he's also banking on the fact that they won't shoot him, so he forces his way into the circle they've made around Kara, and does his best to ignore them as he welcomes her back.

It's not hard. She has a way of filling up his entire field of vision. He touches her hair, her cheek, and it feels exactly the same as it did two days ago. The circles around her eyes are darker, but that could just be because of sleep lost between now and the last time she came to him on the Science Ship. She doesn't seem any more or less real. Sounds like Kara, looks like Kara, feels like Kara. He pulls her close though, just to be sure, checking like he had the first night she came back to him. Smells like Kara, he thinks, as he buries his head into her neck.

She smiles when he kisses her, full on the lips. Tastes like Kara too, and he doesn't care that his father and Helo have just entered the hangar bay, or that the marines are becoming increasingly uncomfortable, or that Anders is gaping at them.

It only takes a few more seconds to cross the line from not caring to not noticing at all, and Kara has to press him back gently, because if it were up to him, he wouldn't have stopped.

She looks out at everyone gathered around him, and it occurs to him for the first time that she has other people to greet, other battles to fight. He thinks, for an uncharitable moment, that he liked it better when he had her all to himself.

His father's face is expressionless, but Lee knows him well enough (and when did that happen?) to know that disbelief, anger, and joy are all roiling around inside him in equal measure. Kara really is the daughter he's never had, and the ace pilot he'd always wanted to raise. If it turns out that she's a cylon, the old man just might not recover. If she's survived somehow, it will have been a miracle of the type that William Adama has never allowed himself the luxury of believing in.

_Believe in this_, Lee wants to tell him. _We always knew she was special. It could happen._ He says nothing though, because in order for his words to have any effect, his father would have to believe in _him_, and Baltar's trial showed him exactly how unlikely that is to happen.

Anders looks scared. Really and truly frightened, and Lee wonders again what exactly is going on between them.

Dee is livid, but also kind of looks like the worlds have dropped out from under her, and he knows she's remembering a dress and a drink, and Starbuck's voice whispering in her ear.

Helo… Helo isn't looking at Kara at all. Helo's looking at him.

"Lee," he says, slowly, carefully, "I know you want to believe that she's back, but you've got to at least consider the possibility that it's not really her."

Lee doesn't move. Keeps his side pressed flush against Kara's. "You mean that she's a cylon?" Lee asks. "Would that matter?"

The answer seems to satisfy Helo, but everyone else is suddenly whispering amongst themselves, and his father is telling the marines to move. Lee wishes there were some way to keep this from blowing out of proportion, but somehow he doubts that saying, "Hey, it's okay, she's really on our side. She's been randomly appearing to me for weeks now" is really going to solve anything.

One of the marines prods Kara with his gun to get her moving, and Lee grabs it and twists until the idiot is on the ground at his feet. Another marine moves in to replace his comrade, and Lee's about to take him down too, but Kara is at his side, holding him back. "It's gonna be okay, Lee," she says, and though she sounds less sure of herself now than she did up in the sky, it's still enough for him.

Not enough that he's going to let her out of his sight, but enough that he's content not to try and stage a jail break. He ends up locked in hack with her while Cottle tries to use Baltar's cylon detector, and it feels almost like they're at the Academy again.

She grins at him and pulls a pack of triad cards out of her pocket. Technically, the marines were supposed to have searched her, and confiscated things like that. Lee thinks they'd probably been a bit afraid to touch her with him there. Good.

There's so much that he wants to ask her about. The song she followed, how much she remembers, how she knew about the cylon attack, how she got a new viper, but hack is bugged and she's going to have to answer those questions under interrogation soon enough. He plays triad with her instead, and loses 16 rounds in rather spectacular fashion before it occurs to him that perhaps she's retained a bit of her weird telepathy.

He opens his mouth to ask her, but before he can even get the words out, she laughs at him. "I don't have to have special powers to beat you at triad, Apollo."

So either she still can read his mind, or he's just that obvious. Excellent.

He's about to demand a straight answer from her when his father walks in with the President, Doc Cottle, and another platoon of marines. The cylon detector reports that she's fully human, at least as far as they can tell, but they know that there are five other models out there, and it could be that she's one of them.

"You do realize how unreasonable of you it is to demand proof of my humanity, right?" she asks. "But if you really want to know about the blood type of the final five, I would suggest that you take a look at Sam Anders."

The marines are supposed to be quiet and calm but even they erupt as soon as the words leave her mouth. She leans back on her cot, and stares at the ceiling. He can see that she's troubled. Something else to file away and ask about later. That is, if she has any secrets left after this interrogation. They've brought in way too many marines for a normal debriefing—or even for a normal prisoner interrogation—which means that there's a good chance things are going to get ugly. He's seriously considering whether or not he and Starbuck can take on all the marines when his father opens the cell door and gruffly informs him that he needs to leave.

"No," from both of them, simultaneously, and Lee can tell that his father is gearing up for a fight. Which is fine, because so is Lee, and granted, odds are not in his favor but…

"You're going to need to talk to Lee too," Kara says. "He's going to have to corroborate a lot of what I'm going to tell you."

The Admiral looks less than convinced.

Lee's attempts to talk about seeing Kara three weeks after she'd died don't seem to be getting them anywhere, either. It's harder to talk about than he thought it would be, especially since he's trying to censor out the parts where they'd been curled up together. He's probably not fooling anyone, after all, his dad was in the hangar bay earlier, but some things are just private, damn it.

In the end, it's the President who convinces the old man to let him stay. It's a classy thing for her to do, Lee thinks, especially after he outed her for kamala use a few weeks ago. He's also surprised that she seems to hold so much sway over his father.

It appears that the Admiral is hanging on by a thread. Having what might be Kara Thrace right in front of him has thrown him more than he'd like to admit, and he's in enough turmoil that he's willing to defer to clearer heads. His definition of "clearer heads" though, has always been limited to an incredibly small circle. Lee had never thought it would include Laura Roslin, but strange times make strange bedfellows, he supposes.

He also remembers that there was once a time when he himself would have wanted to be one of the people his father chose to trust. If he's honest with himself, he probably still does want that. He can't really blame his father for not seeing it his way this time though. Admitting to visions of the supposedly-dead probably doesn't inspire much confidence.

--------------------------------------

After the President gets everyone sufficiently calm, the real questions begin.

Kara's description of events isn't anymore coherent than it was when she told it to him, but Roslin presses for details more than he did.

When things still remain hazy, she calls in Doc Cottle and asks for a truth serum. Lee almost kills her, but Kara and the bars stop him. Probably for the best, as they kind of need President Roslin for as long as the gods will let them have her.

Doc Cottle points out that the truth serum might make Kara's responses even more nonsensical, but even Lee has to agree that at this point, that's not likely to matter. There is the matter of the serum possibly not working against cylons, but Lee's not about to bring that up. It doesn't matter anyway. She's not a cylon. He _knows_.

"So after you ejected, you were picked up by a ship?"

"I think so."

"Did you meet anyone there?"

"I… no?"

"Try again, Captain."

"They weren't people so much as they were… impressions. I couldn't really see them all that well, but I could definitely hear them. There was this song, and if I followed it, it would take me different places. Sometimes it was with them, but usually it was elsewhere."

"Elsewhere?"

"Other planets, other ships. Mostly here."

"And Mr. Adama saw you here?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you interact with anyone else?"

"Errr… he was, I mean, his song was the easiest to follow. I had trouble staying with other people for too long, and they couldn't really see me. I don't know why. But I did kind of interact with other people. Or I tried to, at any rate."

"Who else did you attempt to contact?"

"Well, Lt. Dualla. Sort of."

"Sort of?"

"I said something to her. I'm pretty sure she heard me. And I umm… might have spilled a drink on her."

"Might have?"

"She deserved it."

"She deserved it?"

"What kind of wife leaves her husband just because his ideas about justice happen to be unpopular at the moment? Besides, she was wearing my dress."

Even through the haze of the truth serum, that's the Starbuck he knows. Lee ducks his head to hide a smile, and looks up at his father through his eyelashes, surprised to see that he too has a bit of a grin on his face.

It had never occurred to him that, trial or no, his father might have sympathized with him over having his wife leave him. He hasn't been able to distinguish the man from the office for a long time, but perhaps, now that he's not an officer anymore… now that he has Kara beside him, and the confidence of being able to fly circles around the cylons… maybe they can try this whole relationship again, from a different tack. Maybe.

If the Admiral locks Kara up, then father or no, Lee's never going to speak to him again.

"Mr. Barnes," the President is saying, "Will you please call Lt. Dualla down to the brig?"

Lee's mouth is dry suddenly, and for one fleeting moment he wishes that Starbuck were still invisible, a guardian who could intervene when things got too scary, and save him from things like embarrassing encounters with his ex-wife.

So he might be being a bit of a wimp. Lee thinks that after the day he's had… after the past few weeks he's had… he should be allowed a little bit of wimpiness.

Kara must agree. Either that, or his panic must be showing on his face, because she shifts closer and takes his hand.

Perhaps she can still be his guardian. He squeezes her hand a little tighter.


	3. Chapter 3

When Dee walks in, she looks worried and somewhat annoyed. Her eyes widen a bit as they take in the fact that Lee is also in hack, and narrow when she registers Kara's hand in his. Then she focuses on Admiral Adama, refusing to look over at the cell at all. "What's this about, Sir?"

Before the Admiral can reply, Kara butts in. "I want my dress back," she says, words only slightly slurred. "Whiskey comes out if you treat it with c-rations before you wash it."

The shock on Dee's face is enough to answer everyone's questions. Everyone's but Lee's, at any rate.

"What did she say to you that night?" he asks her, and she's in enough shock that she seems to forget that she's not acknowledging his existence.

"That I was a fool," she says indignantly. "And that my eyeshadow was hideous and clashed with her dress."

He turns to look at Starbuck, and she shrugs as if to say, "Someone had to tell her."

He should probably feel bad for Dee, but he can't spare the energy. Everything he has is focused on Kara right now. He'll worry about Dee later. Maybe.

The interrogation goes on for hours, but not much more is revealed than what Lee already knew.

She'd followed the song to the new fighter on the Science Ship. The voices had told her about the cylon attack, and she'd been in her new viper when she'd woken. It had been equipped with an FTL drive, and jump coordinates had already been keyed in.

"Are you a cylon?" President Roslin asks.

"No. I… I don't think so."

"And what makes you say that?"

"The song… there are cylons on board Galactica. I couldn't get it clear enough to tell who all of them were. I think its strength or weakness depended on how close I am to the person. I definitely heard that Anders was one of them though. And I think there were four more besides him. Two men. The other, I couldn't really be sure."

"I see. And you have no other evidence to prove that you're not a cylon?"

"Madame President, all due respect, but I think I have more evidence than most. I just helped to destroy a cylon fleet. I've got more cylon kills than most of this fleet put together. The cylons… the cylons took my ovary while I was on Caprica, and Doc Cottle's got the blood tests to prove that I'm the same person that I was then. Not to mention that the cylons locked me up for month on New Caprica. Why would they have done that if I were one of them?"

Lee's father is looking at Kara now as if he's been slapped in the face. It's never occurred to Lee that the old man would expect Kara to tell him about something as personal as her experience on Caprica. He knew she was closer to his father than he was, but that didn't exactly take much.

He looks at Kara to make sure she's okay, and is relieved to see that she is. She's not as serene as the first day she came to him, but hours of intensive interrogation coupled with drugs would do that to a person. More important is the fact that there's no flinching or defensiveness when she talks about her abuse at the hands of the cylons.

He takes her hand again anyway.

The last time they'd talked about her experiences with the cylons, she had been shaking, and covering it up by beating the hell out of the gym's only punching bag. She'd actually knocked it down… a life-long ambition of hers… and only then had she sat still and told him about Leoben.

Turns out that Leoben might have been right after all, about destiny and all that crap. Lee's not about to bring that up now though.

Roslin points out that Anders has also killed his fair share of cylons, and Kara has to admit that that's true. "I don't know how it works. Sharon said there was some kind of switch. Maybe it hadn't been turned on yet. I'm pretty sure it is now though."

On cue, a disheveled-looking Doc Cottle bursts through the door to tell them that Sam Anders has indeed tested positive for cylon blood.

Lee's had enough of chaos for one day, and he's grateful when his father and the President follow the doctor out, and he and Kara are left alone again. Well, alone except for a small marine contingent.

"You okay?" he asks.

She smiles at him, tired, but far less bitter than the old Kara would have been.

"Glad you're here," she says.

"You've always had a talent for landing me in hack," he tells her. He can tell by the far-off look in her eyes that she's remembering their Academy days, and it makes him wonder again about his previous telepathy question.

"Can you still hear what I'm thinking?"

She frowns, "No. I mean, I never really could hear your thoughts exactly. But they came through in your song."

That doesn't really make all that much sense, but nothing about this situation does, and besides, she's drugged and exhausted. They can talk about this later.

"I miss the songs," she mumbles, burrowing into the thin bed linens on her cot. She's clearly about to fall asleep; her words are slowing down. "Yours especially," she whispers. "I liked yours best."

The truth serum is supposed to last for at least six more hours, and he's sure his father and Roslin will be back sometime before then.

In the mean time, he's getting used to curling up with Starbuck at the end of the day. Her cot is small, but that's okay. It's not like he wants to keep his distance anyway.

----------------------------------

He's not sure how long they sleep, but they're woken by his father and President Roslin walking back into the brig.

He can tell the moment that Kara wakes, because she shifts and stretches against him, and it feels glorious.

He can also tell the moment when she realizes where she is, because every muscle tightens.

"Is Sam okay?" she asks.

His father looks askance at her, and she waits a bit before replying. "He was a newly-activated cylon. He could have done a lot of damage. But he was also mine, at one point. Being a cylon doesn't change that."

His father looks like he has a different opinion on that subject, but he has the grace to keep silent.

They resume questioning, but nobody's heart is really in it at this point.

Finally, President Roslin decides to call it a night.

"We'll put you in some more hospitable quarters, as long as you'll agree to have a marine guard stationed outside your door."

"Okay," Kara agrees, "S'long as Lee can stay with me."

"Double the marine guard," his father says, and Lee's not sure whether to be insulted or flattered. He settles for being glad that his father's going to allow him to stay with her.

She's been fading fast over the past hour. The drug has clearly combined with her exhaustion, and she's becoming less and less coherent. Lee's probably going to have to drag her to their new quarters. She doesn't look like she's really up for walking anywhere anytime soon.

"Is there anything else, Captain?" the President asks, sounding like she could use some rack time herself.

"Oh," Kara yawns, "Almost forgot. I know the way to Earth."

Lee's lost count of all the times Kara has shocked people speechless today. Apparently Kara has too, because she lays her head on his shoulder after that little pronouncement, and shows every sign of going back to sleep.

"Wake up Captain!" his father yells, and she scrubs at her face and blinks several times as she tries to focus on him.

"Paper," she tells him. "Paper and pencil. Then sleep. Saving all your asses is hard work."

President Roslin says something under her breath that sounds an awful lot like, "Don't I know it." There's no way they're leaving though, not until they have a map of some sort.

Kara keeps drifting off and then jerking awake again as she draws. Lee is _this_ close to pointing out that the paper is likely to resemble a child's treasure map more than a reliable navigational chart at this point, and demanding that she be allowed to sleep, but he's fought enough battles for today.

She's here, and alive, and unhurt, and she can draw a better map tomorrow if need be. The fact that there will be a tomorrow for them at all is more than he ever could have hoped for a few short weeks ago.

When she finally puts down her pencil, she's covered at least ten sheets of paper. He takes them off her makeshift desk before she can fall asleep on them, and is astonished to discover star charts and celestial landmarks, carefully shaded and drawn with stunning accuracy. She'd mentioned art every now and then, but this… there aren't many artists left in the fleet today, and judging from this, she could be one of the best.

He wonders if the cylons make art. He hopes they do, because something like this, this ability to create and form and make beauty out of the ordinary, shouldn't stop, even if humanity doesn't make it.

And that thought leads him to thoughts of Earth. He wonders if she actually saw it, or saw or heard people there. It's a comforting thought… that there could be other humans out there, even if the entire fleet is destroyed.

He would ask her, but she's fallen asleep already. He hands the pictures to Roslin and the Admiral instead. Roslin looks floored, but his father doesn't seem so surprised, and Lee wonders once again just how much he knows about Kara Thrace.

Two marines step up to escort them to their new quarters, and he scoops Kara up and follows them out the door.

He has to stop once they get to the stairs and poke her awake enough so that she can stumble a bit on her own power. It's nice while it lasts though, the feeling of a sleeping weight in his arms.

When they get to their quarters, she makes a beeline for the bed, shedding clothes as she goes, and burying under the covers with a pleased hum before falling right back to sleep again. He's exhausted, but he spends a few more minutes just watching her before he climbs in beside her and lets sleep take him.


	4. Chapter 4

She's still asleep when he wakes up the next morning, but her stomach is already rumbling, and he wonders how and what exactly she's been fed for the past few weeks.

He bullies the marines into getting them some breakfast, and when he goes back into the room, she's already in the shower. He walks in on her, because he's curious as to whether or not she's lost weight. At least, that's what he tells her when she raises her eyebrow and him and berates him for ungentlemanly behavior.

For a second, he panics, wondering if maybe this isn't okay after all. Perhaps she just seemed to want him while she was in his head, but doesn't anymore now that she's actually back.

She's grinning though, and she certainly doesn't look like she's going to make him leave.

In fact, two minutes later, Kara, model of colonial efficiency that she is, has decided that he should join in on the showering. She's forgotten to give him time to get his sleepwear off before pulling him under the spray, but it's a small detail in the grand scheme of things, so Lee refrains from screeching at her.

It turns out that she is a little thinner. It's not terribly obvious, but Lee's spent the past few weeks talking to her phantom form, and the months before that staring furtively, and he'd damn well better be an expert on Kara Thrace by now.

He's seriously considering engaging in some more Kara-study, when someone knocks on the door. Lee assumes it's the marine, come bearing food. He towels off, but doesn't bother to change out of his sopping wet clothes.

Turns out that it is the marine, but he's not alone. Helo and Sharon trail in after him. All four of them stare at each other, frozen, until the marine breaks the spell by shoving the food at Helo and exiting post-haste. Sharon is trying hard not to giggle, and Helo looks like he might be thinking about going into big-brother protective mode and demanding to know what Lee's intentions are towards one Kara Thrace. By the time Kara emerges from the shower, fluffy towel and all, Lee is tomato red and Sharon is leaning on Helo to keep from falling over with laughter.

Kara takes it all in, then focuses on the food in Helo's hands.

"You brought breakfast! Sharon, I shall have to fight you for him. I want him for my very own."

Sharon makes a rude gesture, and even though Lee knows Kara's kidding, he can't keep a tiny frisson of jealousy from running through him. "Hey!" he says, "I'm the one that called for food."

"Oh," Kara says. "You'll do then. Sharon, you're off the hook."

"Thanks," Sharon says dryly, but Kara isn't paying any attention. She's too busy looking at Lee, and her face is slowly breaking into a smile. He returns it; he can't not. It's the first time he's ever been allowed to be jealous over her.

The grin slides off his face as soon as she walks into the other room to change. His heart starts beating and he has trouble listening to what Helo is trying to say to him. Once Kara comes back, fully dressed and her hair brushed, Lee tries to convince himself that he did not almost have a panic attack merely because he couldn't see her for a few minutes. He realizes that he may have a few more issues to work through than he'd previously thought.

"Mmmm…," she says, sniffing the breakfast rations carefully. "Algae. This I did not miss."

She cleans her entire plate anyway, and chats with Helo and Sharon about all that she's missed since she's been gone. They're not allowed to talk about strategy or new intelligence, not that they have either, so they deliberately keep the conversation light. Hotdog has been pining after one of the cooks. Hera is doing well. The President's assistant Tory starting sobbing for no reason in the middle of the mess hall last week, and there's now a new stress-reduction program in place on _Galactica_.

Lee wraps his arm around Kara's shoulders and lets the words drift over him, focusing instead on the way Kara feels next to him. She's warm, and her voice is soothing, and even though Lee only woke up an hour or so ago, he's ready to be lulled back to sleep.

The next thing he knows, he's tucked under a blanket on the couch, and Kara is calmly sipping tea with his father and the President.

"We'd like to take you to sickbay to run some more tests, and ask a few more questions," the President is saying.

"Of course," Kara replies. "Just let me wake Lee."

"He won't be coming," his father says, and now Lee is _really_ awake.

"Yes I…" Lee doesn't even get the chance to finish his sentence.

"I don't recall giving you a choice in this matter. I have been more than accommodating already, and I will not allow personal feelings to get in the way of this investigation."

Lee thinks that's a riot, after the way the Baltar investigation went. He tells his father so, and things degenerate from there.

In the end, the President has to hold his father back, and Kara practically throws him onto the sofa and then sits on him so that he can't get back up.

"You're so much alike," she tells him as he sputters a denial. "But he's right on this one. He can't afford to trust me. Not yet. I'm going to go to sickbay now. I'll be back in a few hours."

Lee can't afford _not_ to trust her, and once again his dad and he are squarely on opposite sides.

Frak.

He watches them leave with a rising sense of dread. The President says something to his father, though, and the end result is that his father stays in the room with him.

"Son," he starts, "I know that…"

"No you don't, Dad. You have no idea." Lee is tired, and he doesn't want to fight, and it's been a long time since his father called by anything but his rank.

"No," Adama says slowly, looking at Lee for what feels like the first time in a long time. "No, I suppose I don't. Why don't you tell me?"

_Because I don't trust you_, Lee thinks. _Because you've hurt me and humiliated me. Because I blame you for the death of my brother, because you left me, because you won't believe me no matter what I say._

Then he remembers Kara's hands over his on the controls of the new fighter. "I can change," she'd said. And she had, in all sorts of tiny ways that had brought them to this point, made it possible for them to work together instead of clash as they raced towards the same goal. She'd hurt him too, but he'd given her another chance.

"Do you remember when you taught me how to ride a bike?" Lee asks, and he can tell that his father is a little nonplussed by the question, but he's also willing to listen, and that's probably half the battle.


	5. Chapter 5

Lee and his father spend a few hours in careful conversation, avoiding verbal landmines, or trying their best to disarm them. It's strange, talking to his father like this, but it the possibility of it becoming familiar is promise enough for him to keep going.

Besides, it takes his mind off the fact that Kara isn't with him.

He knows that he can't be by her side all the time. And she's proven over and over again that she's more than capable of taking care of herself, but neither of those things makes it any easier to be without her. He's incredibly relieved when she and the President walk back into the room again.

Lee says good bye to his father and the President and turns to Kara with a quite smile. They've been given the rest of the day to do what they want, be by themselves, and that's just the way Lee likes it.

He tries not to pry, because she's been under questioning for hours, but he can't quite help himself, so he settles for flitting from topic to topic, and not pressing too hard.

"What do you think it was that saved you?"

"I don't know, Lee. Maybe it was the gods. Maybe it was something else. To tell you the truth, I'm more interested in _why_."

"You mean the destiny that Leoben was talking about? I thought you said you were sure you weren't a cylon."

"I _am_ sure. But just because it was Leoben that said it doesn't mean it isn't true. The gods always face two ways, Lee."

"What the frak is that supposed to mean?"

"It's scripture, Lee. It's not supposed to make sense."

"What's the use then?"

"Things don't have to make sense to be true."

He's about to tell her that _that_ doesn't make sense… except, as he turns it over in his mind, it really kind of does.

"So, what do we do now," he asks, and is pleased when she accepts the 'we' without pause.

"We wait." She doesn't seem upset by the prospect, which is a little unlike her, but perhaps she welcomes the break.

"Wait for what?"

"For the fleet to need pilots. That's how I've always gotten out of hack before."

His father had decided to trust Kara's map. They'd checked it over with Gaeta, and he'd spent an entire day cross-referencing and making different inferences and doing whatever it was that he did to determine where the fleet should go next. His conclusion had been that Kara, in addition to being an incredible artist, also had a damn good grasp on astronomy, and that as far as he could tell, the map meshed with everything he knew about the probably location of earth.

Colonel Tigh had come to a markedly different conclusion. Both he and Kara had been strangely tense around each other, which Lee found strange, because he was pretty sure they'd gotten over their old animosity during their time on New Caprica.

Tigh had flown into a rage after Gaeta's pronouncement, questioning Kara's loyalty, Gaeta's sanity, and Lee's parentage. His father hadn't been at all amused about the parentage comment, and Tigh had been dismissed from the meeting. It's the first time Lee can ever remember his father choosing him over Saul Tigh.

They must have patching things up between them though, because two days afterwards, Tigh comes knocking at their door, soliciting them for active duty.

Turns out that Kara was right about the fleet needing pilots. Lee's fighter and Kara's new viper are the only two attack ships equipped with FTL drives, and they need to get around another nebula to follow Kara's path to earth. They're going to be flying blind though, and they need some advanced scouts. Preferably some that can actually defend themselves if they do run into trouble.

Apparently Hotdog and Racetrack tried to fly the two new birds that morning. Both had had to eject, and they'd had to pull the empty ships in with raptors.

"As far as I'm concerned," Tigh tells Lee, "She's a cylon, you're unstable, and the map she's drawn us it going to lead us straight into a trap. There's no way I'm going to let you both out in our only FTL fighters."

"Well then," Kara returns, "By all means, come back as soon as you get tired of dragging Hotdog's ass back to _Galactica_. It takes a real pilot to fly those birds, and you're not going to find one outside of this room."

Tigh looks like he'd like to hit her, and she looks like she'd love the excuse that would give her to smack him right back. The last thing Lee needs is to have to explain a fistfight to his father.

"Wait," he says, and to his surprise, they actually do. "We both fit in my fighter."

Tigh is giving him a look of utmost derision. "And you would know this how?"

"We've done it before. There's enough room. Well, as long as we don't wear flight suits."

Tigh looks torn between the joy he'll get from telling them no and the joy he would get from watching them both blow up, and Lee wonders where all this malevolence is coming from. Tigh storms out without giving them an answer either way

He comes back two hours later, scowl still on his face. "You father," he informs Lee, "seems to think that you should go with Kara. Something about watching each other's backs. I'm not going to risk two ships on you though. You both go in the fighter."

Four hours after that, Starbuck is sitting on his lap and his hands are over hers on the controls. The fighter is practically purring. He loves the feeling of being up in the sky, and, better yet, of flying with Kara, working together, seamlessly.

"Apollo, if you don't stop breathing on my neck I swear to the gods, I'm going to hit the eject button."

Well, mostly seamlessly, at any rate.

"Hang on a second," he tells her. "I think maybe if I put my left leg up like this, and you shift over a bit. No, here, if you could kind of straddle my thigh. Yes. Just like that. Perfect."

Dee's voice comes, a bit strained, over the wireless, giving them the jump coordinates over what is clearly and already open comm line. He's embarrassed for a second, but really, it's their fault for bugging the ship. He doesn't even have to see Kara's face to know that she's smirking.

She keys in the coordinates as he steadies the ship, pointing them towards the nebula.

It's limned in light from two small stars, reds and blues whirling together.

It's like riding off into the sunset. "One bright, shiny future coming up," she whispers into his ear, and he smiles and powers up the FTL.

Fin.

In Kara and Lee's conversation about scripture, I paraphrased some of H.D.'s post- WWII poem _The Walls Do Not Fall_.

The relevant sections are from her description of the bombing of Britain:

Over us, Apocryphal fire,

Under us, the earth sway, dip of a floor,

Slope of a pavement

Where men roll, drunk

With a new bewilderment,

Sorcery, bedevilment

The bone-frame was made for

No such shock knit within terror,

Yet the skeleton stood up to it:

The flesh? It was melted away,

The heart burnt out, dead ember,

Tendons, muscles shattered, outer husk dismembered,

Yet the frame held:

We passed the flame: we wonder

What saved us? What for?

…

They snatched off our amulets,

Charms are not, they said, grace;

But gods always face two-ways,

So let us search the old highways


End file.
